Two months ago, I read “A Suicide Note” in the “Schools, Colleges, Universities Bulletin” in our national daily, the Manila Bulletin . I wrote a rebuttal to that article and it was finally published today, August 24, in Section D3 (Schools , Colleges , Universities Bulletin). Some of you might be surprised with my rebuttal but I couldn’t let this article pass off as gospel truth in a national daily . I didn’t expect it to be published but they called me a few days ago and even want me to be a regular contributor to the section,.
Here’s the link or read this article if you’re interested to read,
BROKEN SILENCE
A Rebuttal to “A Suicide Note”
This is my rebuttal to Ava-Marie Assumpta O. Guerrero’s article entitled “A Suicide Note” in the June 8, 2004 issue of the Manila Bulletin’s SCU section. While I value life as much as she does, I was greatly appalled by the simplistic way she viewed suicide and the sanctimonious tone she used throughout the article. I am not speaking for everyone else with a death wish out there, but perhaps I can shed some light on this issue.
Once, I wanted to end my life. And no, my yearning for death did not come about simply because I tripped on a rock in my path and thought, “My life sucks. I think I’m gonna go kill myself now.” If the mere trials and tribulations of daily living caused suicides, then millions of people all over the world would be killing themselves by the minute. What the author failed to mention was the fact that a great majority of those who committed suicide had suffered from mental illness, most commonly depression (often undiagnosed), and including bipolar disorders, schizophrenia, and anxiety disorders. I have been diagnosed with chemical depression (which is technically not a mental illness since it is a physical malady involving the lack of neurotransmitters in the brain). This explains my tendency for entertaining suicidal thoughts. But the illness alone did not cause the longing to end my life. The incredible strain I was feeling at that point in time triggered my suicidal notions.
As I planned the details of my death and envisioned the funeral in my head, I was still very much aware of my family’s love and my friends’ genuine concern for me. Deprivation of love, understanding or affection is not the sole cause of suicide (though the lack of those does make it more difficult for the ordinary person to get by). Suicide is brought about by one thing: despair. A person sinking in despair thinks that life, from this point forward, is going downhill and there is nothing that can be done about it.
To those who cry for death, the sunset is a segue to another night without sleep, the chirping birds a source of irritation, the scent of flowers an allergen, the air the source of life that you want to end. Body and mind, they focus on achieving their ultimate objective to die. When people reach this low point, they no longer have the mental capacity to give a second thought for those who love them. However, this does not mean they no longer love those who matter to them (many suicide notes contain “I love you” and “I’m sorry” to parents, siblings, lovers, or friends). In their abyss of hopelessness, they are unable to worry about how their actions will affect other people, even their loved ones.
What made me change my mind about killing myself? Aside from the fact that I am too much of a wuss to hold a knife without my skin crawling and my stomach churning, two things happened. First, I rediscovered my love for life. There are many things I still have and want to learn, many exotic cities I dream of visiting, new people to befriend, and goals I have yet to achieve. And tempting as it had been to end my life and spend eternity without a worry, I thought that won’t rea11y solve the problems at hand, would it? Then I remembered the old saying, ‘This too, shall pass.’ Sure, what I had to go through felt horrible and was difficult to deal with, but why should I let a fl eeting urge stop me from living and being happy?
However, those two events were not enough to cure my depression. I went through a few sessions of therapy and my shrink prescribed a small dosage of Lupram, taken at bedtime every night. I cannot say that I am completely happy because I lapse into gloom and doom moods every now and then. But I no longer waste precious time wallowing in my despair, and I certainly have no intentions of dying by my hand or leaving this world before my time is up.
If you should decide to take a step back from the proverbial cliff you are teetering on and rejoin the world of the living, don’t make that decision because you feel guilty for leaving loved ones behind or because you feel that you owe something to the Creator who gave you life. Live for the goals you want to accomplish. Live for your love of life. Live simply because you will it. Live for yourself.
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http://www.mb.com.ph/issues/2004/08/24/SCAU2004082416994.html
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Now you know how I felt during those months.
