My dominant defense mechanism is sublimation. Writing has been my passion ever since I was a kid and it has helped me a lot during times when I needed to articulate whatever thoughts or emotions I was feeling at the moment. This works particularly well when I am angry or depressed; in order for me to avoid doing things I might regret later on, I end up expressing my rage or sadness through writing violent scenes. I have never shown these stories to anyone because they are quite personal and even I find the imagery a bit disturbing.
When I was in high school, I was very lonely because everyone in my batch was too stupid and shallow to be my friend. I always hated going to school because nobody could relate to me (and vice versa) and I felt very out of place, even around people who were supposed to be my “barkada”. During that time, I wrote a lot of stories where the protagonist or a major character would end up killing himself or herself. I never really gave suicide a serious thought back then but I often felt like I would rather die than have to see these people again the following day.
One moral dilemma that I have yet to resolve is deciding whether or not it is right for me to exact revenge on people who have screwed me over. The war freak in me screams for blood because suffering is something they deserve after what they have done to me. On the other hand, I probably wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I actually took the time to exact vengeance on those who have wronged me. Writing stories about a skilled assassin who brutally murders characters patterned after those I hate makes me feel avenged. I’m thinking of working on a graphic novel about revenge, but that will have to wait since I still have so many pet projects to do.
